If you ask why I write stories, the answer is because my stories heal me. It’s not that I have extremely awful past, but there have been years that took me through some rough waters.
Throughout those years, the common denominator that was constantly challenged was the sense of security. The first time I fell into a lake of insecurity was when I set out alone to establish my own business. A few months after leaving the secure establishment of a corporate world, I found myself sitting deep in the discomfort of this new entrepreneurial life. Suddenly my social circle became very small. Also glamour was gone. No more glamorous events, trips, dining and functions. I felt forgotten and unimportant.
Being seemingly alone, I felt totally unprotected. I felt like a vulnerable child in a hostile environment, and I missed my “daddy”. Prior to that, my boss had played a role of a protective and supportive dad for 6 years. And functioning without a figure to consult with and lean on proved extremely difficult and lonely.
So I sought to get out of that loneliness and find myself surrounded by a supportive boss to lean on and nice colleagues to socialize with. That wish came true in Turkey, however, back then I developed a perpetual sense of standing in air, not on ground, with nothing to support me underneath. I felt insecure and totally vulnerable. Also I suffered from constant angst and dread. At a certain time, my angst became so strong that I had a rising blood pressure, and also for some years, I constantly ground my teeth at night and destroyed some parts of my teeth.
Then when I lived in Frankfurt and back in Istanbul, at home I increasingly suffered from sudden panic attacks where I visualized I was magnetically pulled towards the window and felt myself falling down from the heights of my apartments. When that happened, the awful fear I felt inside was so terrible and disturbing that it must be worse than death itself.
Interestingly, until I started writing this story, I had never associated those panic attacks with me feeling ungrounded in general. Prior to living in Turkey, I was never afraid of heights, so I could never understand where the newly growing fear of heights came from. But now I see the relationship, and this is why I write my stories and blog posts (meaning writing brings me clarity).
Also towards the last few months of living in Turkey, I had been wanting to have a ground floor home with a small garden where I could grow all kinds of flowers and plants. So now I am thinking that perhaps that desire was subconsciously connected to my fear of heights….
Fast forward a few months and now I am living in my parents house and I spent the spring and summer growing many different flowers and plants inside and outside the house. So as I am living on the ground floor and rarely left home, there has been no chance for my fear of heights to be challenged. But I am sure that it is still there.
Also realizing that I had been searching for fatherly figures to lean on for security, whether they are my boss, friends or lover, when I left Turkey for Mongolia, I resolved to find a real inner sense of security.
In the 9 months that I have been living in Mongolia, I have been depending on my parents for my livelihood. In this new circumstance, the fear of insecurity returns to me in a different form, and sometimes I ask myself “What if one or both of my parents suddenly die?” And imagining that situation is scary as hell.
So you see, I am still struggling with the issue of security or lack thereof. Sick and tired of dealing with this issue for so many years, now I really want to know where this fear comes from.
Recently I heard in the “Seth speaks” book series that certain believes serve us in certain periods of our lives, and past their expiry dates, we need to let those believes go. So is it that perhaps subconsciously or internally I am still a child or an adolescent who needs to depend on her dad for protection and support?
I don’t know, but I really would like to find out where the sense of lack of security comes from….
Or perhaps my root chakra is imbalanced? I have been wresting with many of the below symptoms.