For about three weeks, I have been living in this space where everything seems to be possible for me as long as I desire and put forward my intentions; but interestingly I haven’t been feeling strong pull towards any desire or goal.
Earlier to that, I witnessed what seemed like a loss of identity. Who I thought I was happened to be just the results of choices I made for myself or others made for me. In essence, I am none of my attachments. And when all attachments are gone, what’s left is pure consciousness that is witnessing my life.
Losing my identity hasn’t been easy. Desperate, my ego is trying to grasp things to hold unto. Not knowing how to exist without an identity, my ego tried to create a new identity of an Empress, but to be honest, I still haven’t been able to figure out how I can be an Empress, who exists for goodness and does things for the right reasons.
So I existed in a state of losing my identity and a vast Void for about 3-4 weeks, and then the Void turned into a space of Pure Potentiality.
Initially I couldn’t figure out what was happening to me. Everything good I read, heard or thought seemed possible as long as I could muster up the desire to go for them, but I felt no desire. It seemed like I was just observing and witnessing them. Then finally two days ago, the phrase “Pure Potentiality” materialized into my mind and when I googled the phrase, such a space or field actuality happens to exist. So I was like
If I had nothing to hold unto when I existed in the Void, now that I am existing in a space of Pure Potentiality where everything seems possible, I again cannot hold unto anything as I don’t know what is more important than others.
So I started seeking clarity. Clarity to know what is important for me. First, when I asked myself what is truly important for me, I had no clue. Of course, I could instantly fire many things that are on my old I-Want list, but then how could I know if it is my ego talking or if it is something that is truly good for me? So I ignored everything that was on my old I-Want list and started listening for new answers. Answers started coming gradually and as they came, I took them to my heart for judgement.
So far the clarity I have received are the followings and I don’t know how long the list will eventually get.
- I want to have inner peace no matter what.
- I choose not to keep or allow anything that doesn’t serve me.
- I want to forgive everyone with whom I had even the slightest conflict.
- I want to live a life free of useless and heavy emotional baggage.
- I want to have healthy, loving and supportive relationships.
- I want to be loved, soaked in love.
So that is how clear I am about my life at this point and this is where the life has placed me to practice these days.