Since starting to explore my Darkness and embracing my Shadows, I have become quite good at catching negative emotions and destructive tendencies whenever they arise in me. When I catch them, I stay aware of them and try not to make them dictate my words or rule my actions. And so far, I have been quite successful with the practice with the exception of one “monster” that I just can’t slay.
Actually, the monster is quite small in size and it won’t even be considered as a monster to most people. But the problem is that I cannot stop myself from avoiding it.
So what is that “monster”?
The monster is that of dealing with what I call petty, mindless, personal matters like paying bills, doing follow-up calls, carrying out paperwork such as unsubscriptions, etc. In the past, when I lived with my cousins, I used to get them to do such personal tasks for me. However, since I started living alone in different countries, my avoidance of this small monster has been really screwing me up.
Like Dr. Jordan Peterson explains in below video, these monsters start out small. But when I avoid them over a longer period, they grow into big destructive monsters.
Determined to conquer this destructive quality of mine, each time an issue of such petty, mindless, personal matters came up, I have been trying my best to stand up, walk towards it and fight. But you know, it’s really really hard. Something inside me just stubbornly resists and refuses to deal with such matters with all of its life. And I don’t know what that something is, or why it was created in the first place. All I know is that something seems to be alive and fighting hard for its life.
And my struggle and battle with that something has been serious and difficult. In the past few weeks, I have been racking my brain trying to figure out why it exists. And during one of such struggle, I wrote down the following truth hoping that exposing it to light will lessen its power.
“I resent paying bills. I resent it hard. When I have to, I feel like I have no freedom. My resistance against paying bills is huge, so huge. I hate doing small routine stuff. So I automate bill payment. But then I don’t stop it when I no longer need the services. Then I avoid the issue and end up making so much unnecessary payments. Or I don’t automate and end up with bad records and cause inconveniences to others.”
Looking for fast removal, I’ve tried to figure out the energy or the feeling behind this avoidance and my best guess is that some sort of resentment seems to be at the root cause of it. But after much unsuccessful thinking and searching of ways to get rid of it, now I really want to totally surrender and let go whatever the actual root cause is. Hence, I am crying out, “God, please help me on this issue!”
Besides this monster, since my Ascension symptoms got really strong and I don’t have much energy to spare, I find myself not bothered to do many things. So not to develop other monsters, I have made a conscious decision to do at least one thing a day after I have felt strong reluctance or resistance against that thing. So now, on daily basis, I remain watchful of my feelings and make it a point to catch at least one instance of internal resistance. And this new practice of mine sounds like what Dr. Peterson is advising in below video.
So in short, my second deadliest sin is avoiding issues, and I really need God’s help to conquer it.
PS: Click here for my first deadliest sin.