I have just realized that my father has been the source of all in my life. When I say all, I mean all, especially judged by the below list:
As I told you in an another story earlier, when I was a little girl, my father meant the world to me.
Indeed, my whole life revolved around him. As a little girl, I used to watch the clock waiting for my daddy to come from work. And when he rang the doorbell at almost exactly the same time every workday evening, I would be the first to rush to open the door and he showered me with kisses.
And of course, he showered me with kisses before going to work too…. But besides the delicious hugs and kisses of my father, many times I had an another reason to wait for him, watching the clock and trying to detect a noise behind the door like a puppy.
That reason was when I had had a fight with my brother. Looking back it seems that in my father’s eyes, I could do no wrong. No matter the reason for my brother’s fight with me, my father always scolded my brother and I stood there utterly convinced that every word my father said to my brother was true.
And my father and I would dance. I would stand on his feet with my tiny feet and he would walk around like a giant. And we danced like that a lot until I became a teenager. And even to this day, that is my favourite dance of all.
Then at nights, my brother and I used to get into another tug of war trying to decide who would sleep with our father. Usually we took our turns, but sometimes somehow either me or my brother happened to have slept with him two nights in a row and that would be unacceptable by the other. So you see how much we loved our father?
Back then a day wouldn’t go by without me admiring my father and thinking that he was the greatest person.
Sometimes, I even wondered how lucky I was to have the best dad in the world….
So I admired my dad endlessly. I looked up to him and I emulated his actions. And I think, whatever he did so well, I must have wanted to do that thing so well too for I remember having a hobby of having a screwdriver in my hand and fixing broken doorhandles, hinges and other things around my home when my brother didn’t even bother to touch them.
And my father is a man of few words, so mainly I learnt by following his examples.
And when I emulated him, I turned out a very good girl. I got excellent grades in school, I did most of the house chores and I never caused any problems except dropping dishes or breaking minor things around home while cleaning.
And with my academic excellence, I made my father proud over and over again. In fact, when I won my 1st international scholarship and flew to the USA at the tender age of 16, these must have been the thoughts of my father:
Then I grew up and things started changing. Among all the things I wanted to be, I wanted to become independent. The thought of becoming independent occurred to me in my 7th grade.
Being the more understanding of the two (meaning my father and mother), I mostly begged my father for money for different reasons. Then one day it dawned on me that if I didn’t have to ask my parents for money, I wouldn’t have to ask them for different permissions in the first place. Take an example of going to a concert. Going to a concert meant coming home late in the evening. And because they were concerned about my security, my parents would be reluctant to let me go to a concert. Then in one instance, I thought, “If only I didn’t have to ask for money, I wouldn’t have to tell the reason for asking.” Then I concluded that financial independence meant personal independence. So I decided to seek out both.
Then in my highschool, I won my 2nd international scholarship and that allowed to study abroad with no financial issues to worry and also with an added bonus of pocket money from the scholarship. So that way I gained my financial and personal independence from my parents for the first time.
However, each time I came back for summer holiday, my independence was challenged. At my end, I still wanted to keep my financial independence by taking up a summer job and the personal independence by living with a cousin of mine, who was living on her own. Unfortunately, that wish of mine didn’t go down well with my father, who wanted to have his “little girl” by his side during the few months of the summer.
Back then I didn’t realize that all my father wanted was to have his “little girl” by his side. I, in fact, never realized it until now when I had to follow the thread of history to figure out why we had a conflict in the first place.
I think that we had our first conflict when I came back home after my first year abroad. Somehow one day we had a conflict and he told me something that really hurt me.
Having heard something hurtful from my father, I couldn’t forget it. Beyond the actual words, I couldn’t forget the fact that my father could hurt me. And from then on, a gap grew between us and I began to avoid my father for fear of having more conflicts and hearing hurtful words from him.
But as it turns out I have never stopped needing my father… even now….
What I mean by “I never stopped needing my father” is that by avoiding my father, I had cut the source and supply of the greatest love, understanding, support and protection I had in life. So unaware of what I was intrinsically lacking, I had been unconsciously looking for those qualities in other people.
There have been many days when my life would have been much easier if I was a “little girl”, whose back her father had.
And when I sometimes couldn’t find those qualities–love, understanding, support and protection–in the people, in whom I unconsciously seeked, I had turned negative…. How so? Well, that is an another long story. Perhaps I will explain it later. All I can say for now is that many things would have turned out better had I maintained my miraculous relationship with my dad.
And of course, me avoiding my father inevitably lead to a conflict between us every now and then, and each time that happened, at the end he always said, “But I am your father!” And I never really got what he meant by that… until now….
So understanding what he meant by saying “But I am your father!“, I could only imagine how much he must miss me.
So tomorrow I am going to have a call with my father and make up with him. So please wish me “Good luck!”
To be continued…