When I left Mongolia, I left in search of 3 things: My home in the world, My Calling and the One…
Home? Wasn’t my home in Mongolia?
Nope, not in my heart.
I did live there the longest of time, but I never felt that I was from that country. You just feel it.
And somewhere in my heart, I always felt that before turning 30, I will leave that country for good and find my home, the place where I feel I belong.
So I left it. I left it 3+ months before I turned 30.
…Well, I didn’t leave it because I was counting my age and making a long-range plan. But I left it because a star shot in my mind one night.
It was 10:30pm. Linda and I were in bed. Then suddenly a thought shot in my mind and I turned around and asked Linda “What If I come with you to Beijing?”
Back then Linda was a student in Beijing and had gotten back for her short summer holiday. And we like sleeping together, that’s why we were in bed together.
Especially in cold Hong Kong winter days, when inside temperature was as cold as the outside temperature, we loved sleeping tight together and sometimes licked each other’s cheek just for fun and naughtiness.
Well, it is never dog-like or icecream-licking, but just one quick lick and that’s it. But that one quick lick is enough to totally electrify the other person with a confusing sensation (you know what I mean 😉 ) and we just laugh about it.
…So when the thought of coming to Beijing with Linda felt right in my mind and the feeling of it swelled to fill my chest, I decided to execute it. And I executed it so fast.
And to my luck, at that very moment, I had substantial cash sitting in my bank account, cash that I had received from selling my 3-room apartment. So I decided that the cause I had planned to send the cash for had to wait.
And then 4 days after the star shot in my mind, I had moved my life to Beijing and that’s how my search got started. And during the long journey of search, I got one of the 3 missions exactly right. And that is, I found my home in Frankfurt.
And the 2nd of the 3 missions (the Calling) happens to be way more EXPANSIVE than I imagined. In fact, it is so expansive that there is no end and boundary to it. So I am happy to have stepped feet through its door and the rest will be a lifetime of fantastic development and mind-blowing creation.
Coming to the 3rd mission (the One), …hmmm… that’s where the drama starts…
… To be honest, I had gone in search of it long before. And each time I thought I had found it, I was wrong. In the first case, as it turned out, the man didn’t have a plan for happily-ever-after with me in the first place. He had other sacred priorities and I didn’t blend with them. So I said, “Fine”.
In the second case, the man didn’t even know my feelings for him until too late. And when I told him after it was too late, he didn’t believe me. He thought I was just making up things. But that was my bad because I couldn’t express my feelings for him to him. In fact, I used to feel, behave and just BE so awkward next to him because I liked him too much.
…Funny to think about it ’cause one minute I would be walking head high, a successful corporate girl. But the moment he was in my vicinity, I turned into a nervous teenager, one who lacked articulation, eye-contact and straight-thinking. In other words, I would just disintegrate next to him… Oh well, my bad.
In the 3rd case, the problem was that he lived on the other side of the planet, PLUS he had his issues. I thought I could wait it out, but without the other side carrying half of the weight, I just didn’t care at some point. So happily crossed that man off.
And in the 4th case, I was plain fooled. In that short relationship, I was a silly pink Barbie. I saw only what I wanted to see and that illussioned me. Or maybe better to say that he fooled the silly Barbie.
What happened is that I thought he was where I was with me. But it turned out he was with a woman and her daughter wherever they came from. When a big shock knocked me off, I thought “Maybe some of his intentions he told me could be true, so maybe I should give him some time…”
So I gave him 3-months to sort out his issues and come to me clean if he wants to. But he came back to me full of shit, so I thought “Fool me once, shame on you! Fool me twice, shame on me!” So I discarded him together with his shit.
Then instead, I got myself a lover, one whose stories my inner child won’t take seriously anyway. He did seem to have some skeletons hidden in the closet, but I didn’t care enough to know what they were.
And when that relationship carried on a little too long, I gave him two choices–stay for good or leave. And he picked the second one, so I was ok with that.
And that happened just recently, so I am single now, super single. And because I am SICK&TIRED of starting all over again, I won’t even let bullshitters come close to me. One date and I can smell the man. I can smell if he is full of shit or honest. And if he smells like shit, I will be happy to just grab my purse and walk away because this ONE LIFE is too precious to be wasting with shitty people!
And tonight I have my first date after I became super single. So let’s see how it goes…